Why did I do that? Part One

 

Listen, I can’t explain my actions. Here’s why: I am not able to do the things I want; and at the same time, I do the things I despise. Romans 7:15 (The Voice)

I am a great and sublime fool.  But then I am God’s fool, and all His/Her work must be contemplated with respect.  Mark Twain.

"You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself."  Ethel Barrymore

Before we leave Paul’s letter to the church in Rome, it is good to reflect on Romans 7 where Paul honestly and humbly asks, “For the love of all that is holy, why did I do that?” To be clear, “that” can be something you say or didn’t say.  “That” can be something you did or didn’t do.  Within every person, lives the 4-year-old version of yourself that was caught coloring on the walls with your markers or breaking a lamp while throwing a football inside or doing the very thing your parents told you was forbidden ~ which only made that activity more attractive.  And, of course, you got caught, because let’s face it, no one is born with Houdini-escape-artist-like skills.  In those moments, my mother, in her outdoor voice, would express exasperation by saying, “Why did you do that?”  I don’t think mom was looking for a dissertation of self-reflection.  I don’t think my mother wanted a theological treatise on the brokenness of humankind.  I am not sure my mother even expected any answer!  Because often I would mumble, with tears streaming from my eyes, “I don’t know.”

Do we ever outgrow this?

Most of us would prefer not to revisit or remember our mistakes or missteps when we showed up in our less-than polished and put-together side of ourselves.  When asked in interviews about our weaknesses, we usually turn to a humble brag.  “My weakness is I just care too much, and I work too hard, and I really don’t want to be rich, so pay me whatever you want.”  As much as we may try to deny or diminish or dismiss, there is a shadow side within us all.  This is what Paul is pointing out.  Centuries later Carl Jung would write extensively about the shadow as the unconscious part of our character or personality that doesn’t align with the ideal version of who we are aiming to be. 

Today, I invite you to reflect on a situation when the shadow side came creeping and peeking out to play in your life.  For me, last week, this was at a meeting where I walked in dragging the wagon of my soul.  I was in a funk, feeling punk, and exhausted by all the world’s junk ~ felt like being a bit poetic there.  In that moment, the Supreme Court that resides in my mind ~ who yesterday I said is made up of Thurgood Marshall, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, with a dash of Judge Wapner from the People’s Court of my childhood ~ were all rendering their verdicts of how I was not measuring up.  Like an attorney before the judge, those judges peppered me with questions of, “Why did you say that!?!”  “Quit looking like a Gloomy/Grumpy Gus.” I know this because I could see myself on Zoom and it will take years of psychoanalysis to uncover all that seeing our own self reflected on a computer screen is really doing to us.  In that moment, when I was already feeling mired in the muck, to have that inner critic/commentary/judge offer up-to-the-minute evidence for my less-than-brilliance ~ didn’t exactly help. 

Eventually, the next day, I realized and recognized that I have anticipatory grief of both my kids being in college.  My calendar tells me it has been a while since my last vacation.  And there have been several funerals recently at our church.  Was this the whole reason why I did/said what I did?  Maybe.  The shadow never is fully revealed/unveiled (Paul will say to the Corinthians, “We see in a mirror dimly” ~ amen to that).  Paul’s question is a wonderful one for reflection, inviting us to get to the balcony of life.  When we intentionally and prayerfully go to the balcony, we are removing ourselves from the stage/participating so that we might see a larger perspective.  Today, take time to reflect honestly on a human-sized moment recently in life when Paul’s words were your words.

God, remind me that nothing, not even my boneheaded-ness, separates me from You.  And I may need that reminder early and often today…and tomorrow…and well, every day, this week.  Amen.