Meeting Matthew Again...Anew

When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” Jesus said to them, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.”  They replied, “We have nothing here but five loaves and two fish.”  And he said, “Bring them here to me.” Matthew 14:15-18

I have to admit that I can be a lot like the disciples.  Around dinner time, I get hangry....hungry and a bit edgy.  I get after standing/sitting all day in the blazing hot sun baking the back of their necks...listening to Jesus preach and teach a sermon that Matthew doesn't even bother to give us - been there and preached that sermon many, many times - the disciples just want to take their bread and fish for a nice quiet picnic. 

I love how the disciples say this place is barren...desolate...a desert-like place.  I imagine there were not many trees around...perhaps a sea of sand as far as the eye could see.  We all have moments like God's people in the Exodus when it feels like we are wandering aimlessly in the desert/wilderness moment.  We have those times when nothing seems to be fruitful...if it wasn't for bad luck we won't have any luck at all...moments when our soul is parched and dried out like a prune.  Maybe you are going through one of those moments right now.  You know that desert place where there is no oasis in sight to refresh or renew.  Maybe you are logging long hours...here we could pray for our CPA brothers and sisters trying to navigate new tax laws.  Maybe you are grieving the death of someone you love.  Maybe it is feeling pushed to the fringes where you sense you are forgotten.  Maybe it is... just feel in the blank from your experience.

When I am in that desert/wilderness...tired...hangry...I can sound a lot like the disciples, "C'mon Jesus send these people away.  No more meetings, Jesus.  No more requests for time or obligations... just some free space in my calendar, please."  In the blurry brokenness, the disciples don't see the crowds as people, just a pain.  They don't see the image of God dancing in the eyes of each person, just one more problem.  So, Jesus wave bye-bye, and we can go have dinner.

Jesus...being Jesus...has to turn this into a teachable moment.  "You give them something to eat."

Wait...me?

Did Jesus not see the weary or worn out look in the disciples' eyes?  Did Jesus not see how their shoulders slouched or hear their stomachs grumble/growl?  Did Jesus not sense that perhaps this wasn't the best time? 

You...yes you... give feed these crowds.

So the disciples say, "Um yeah, we have just enough for us...and it isn't like there is a Walmart nearby for us to go get enough food."

When my spiritual gas tank is on empty...when my body didn't get enough sleep...when Grumpy Dwarf has taken over my head/heart/whole life...scarcity becomes my dominate frame-of-reference.  Scarcity...don't have enough time...enough energy...feel like I am running late from the moment my feet hit the floor until I fall exhausted into bed that night.  Scarcity says, "Whoa wait...if you go and give some bread away...what are you going to eat?  Remember, you are hangry!"  (I promised myself I'd use that word three times in this post...mission accomplished!)

Here is the thing...if I wait for the perfect conditions physically/emotionally/spiritually before I let loose with the love of God within me...probably not ever going to happen.  If I wait until I am ready...probably not ever going to happen.  There is always an excuse.  Always something else clamoring or trying to claim my time.  Always something else on the to-do list that seems more important.

Here is the deeper thing...I don't have to give away five hundred gallons of love or soak someone with a ton of grace.  Sometimes just a little goes a long way.  To say, "Great" to someone's idea rather than just roll my eyes and look at my watch.  Didn't take me any additional time...but might feed both the other person and me.  Or what if I decide that each Sunday I'll bring one item from my cupboard for the food pantry?  Or what if I decide that rather than staring at social media for an hour (an activity that drains energy), instead I go take a walk outside?  As William James wrote, "The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."

No one from the local newspaper will cover this...no one from Action News is going to come interview me...but such small actions help me remember miracles start in our willingness to be and stay open...even when hangry.

And in that small opening there is always room for more than a trace of God's grace to move.

Blessings ~~