A Both/And System

 

Yesterday, we dipped our pinkie toe into the waters of Family Systems Theory, founded by Dr. Murray Bowen.  There is no way I can do justice to all the key concepts/components of this theory.  Basically, it boils down to systems don’t like to change, and under stress/strain some systems would rather implode than evolve.  The famous example from churches is contemporary worship.  Oh, people have opinions about that!  I remember watching the video about Family Systems Theory on this topic where people on the Church Council called each other to rally people to “their” side, hence triangulating and creating an “us-versus-them” culture.  People talked about each other rather than to one another.  People tried to pull rank, “My family founded this church…” as though they were the CEO of this particular Christian franchise location.  All because of the music played?  Of course, you have a preference, but is the church only about meeting your needs?  This is the pitfall of our modern-day consumer Christianity.  Remember, change always makes the system feel threatened.  This can be because of fear, or they just prefer organ and wonder why someone would rather worship God with a guitar and piano?  We all define and defend our perspectives.  Martha had a value of being a good host.  In Jesus' day, hospitality and spirituality were so tightly intertwined that you didn’t know where one began and the other ended.  To be a bad host was the worst insult you could throw at someone.  So, please give Martha a break, because she is trying, maybe even exhausted, to uphold a tradition that is built and baked into the system ~ she felt it all on her shoulders.  Maybe you feel that way trying to prepare the “perfect” holiday dinner or shopping for gifts or planning a vacation.  When and where do you wear Martha’s sandals of feeling judged by others based on your performance?  Oh, that one feels close to home! 

 

Mary might value connection and relationship, which is also important in Jesus’ day.  What happens when two important values collide and conflict?  Well, we gotta choose; ain’t enough room in this town for both of ‘em…or so the system would have you think.  To be sure, life is a series of choices.  But the deeper truth is that we can highlight hospitality at some times, and other times need to embody and embrace relationships.  Sometimes you can’t have it all, do it all, be all to all people.  Martha and Mary had a choice.  It is unfortunate in our compartmentalized, prioritizing, moralizing that we think there is only one message here.  Namely, we should all be Marys.  But…just before this tale of two sisters and family systems was the parable of the Good Samaritan, which tells us that hospitality, especially to the stranger, is vital.  Wait, now I am confused.  Am I supposed to help others, like the Samaritan or sit at Jesus’ feet?  Should I be about action or contemplation, because chapter 10 of Luke seems to contradict itself?  “Make it plain,” my soul shouts.  And the gospel says subversively, “Yes”.  Martha/Good Samaritan hospitality matters.  Mary contemplation/quietness matters.  Both matter.  We are complex, contradictory people.  We can be both Martha and Mary without rating and ranking, without saying one is better.  Systems need space to breathe and be, evolve and expand, and sometimes contradict and confine.  This is what it means to be alive.  Ponder today the ways you can be trapped and tripped up in either/or thinking when the world is so much more than a multiple-choice test for which you are receiving a grade.  Because God’s grace says it isn’t about the right answers, but rather faithfulness that is responsive and awake to what God is up to, from the roads of Jericho to the home of two sisters where faith takes different shapes and shades.  Amen.